3 posts tagged “parents”

So much has happened in such a short time....Damn August is over already?! That means summer is in its last days, *sigh* fall is coming and soon winter will be upon us. Life....everyday is another adventure. Lately these adventures have had some tremendous highs and astronomical lows. But I refuse to wallow in depression and set up shop. I'm only 29 years and 3 months. I've got a hell of a lot of living to do, goals to accomplish, and love to share. And I couldn't be any prouder of myself than I am right now. I've officially reached my breaking point. This is a good thing, because now I have absolutely no reason to look back.

Last week my mom and I got into it, thus ending our working relationship. It's all good, less stress in my life. A few days later we really had it out. I took a step back and fully assessed the situation. It occured to me that my mom's been acting funny, since I started having things to do and people to do them with. I'm no longer home as much as I used to be, for her to talk my ear off about nothing to do with me. My guess is that she's either jealous or pissed about the changes going on. I need her less and less everyday, besides it's not as if she's ever been there when I've needed her anyway. If I let her in on what's going on in my life it's only because she just happens to be around, not because I really want to share. Sad, I'm sure, but true.

So, here we are engaged in a battle (if you will) of wills and wits, over something so stupid it's laughable. She's theatening me and doing everything in her power to hurt my feelings and bring me down with what are supposed to be hurtful words. Instead of me doing what I usually do, I asked her if she was proud of herself, of the way she's handling this situation. I asked her why is it when she's feeling low she always turns to me, the easy target, to hurt and trample. And she wonders why she hardly ever meets my friends?.....Go figure.

Currently we're not speaking, but that's alright with me. Less noise to have to contend with. Okay, that was just me being mean. But honestly I don't have anything to say to her. The other night when all this crap happed, I said, " You can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. You keep treating me like crap and you find me gone." All I got from that is a, "Well be gone then." I told her, she should be careful what she wished for because she just might get it. And this is when she told me, "at least I won't die alone and depressed." I shook my head and thought of my best friends and how they've been there for me especially during my darkest moments. They have actually been more like family than my blood realatives. I wish I had a camera to capture the look on my mother's face. Instead of feeling crushed and worthless, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "That won't be me, because I have friends in my life who love and care about me. People who are interested in where my passions lie and my well being."

I've got one life to live and I refuse to live it as anyone's punching bag, emotional or other wise. And since it's been made painfully clear in order for me to move forward I have to change people, places, and things.....that's exactly what I'm going to do. I do not have the time or patience for bullshit, my own or anyone elses. If people (in general and specifically) can't get with that, well excuse me and try not to choke on the dust I leave behind. I'm a woman on a mission and this dream will no longer be deffered.

Dear World,

These days unfortunately I have to go through pain staking planning to access the internet. This blows serious chunks! And so does my living situation by the way, but at least I have a roof over my head. Despite a lot of things that suck in my life concentrating on the positive things I have going on has really helped me keep focus on my short term goals. Although I'd rather be making money like I use to doing something I like, I'm at the point where I don't know what that is anymore (the something(s) I like). So I did something different. I put in an application at a coffee shop downtown. I even stopped by one of the stores I used to work at in the mall and inquired about at least part time employment and submitted an application. Since I've had a lot of time on my hands I've been really thinking about the ways I can go about getting into theater. It does help to pick up a news paper now and again and make trips to the library (like I'm doing now). I'm working on a few monologues that I can use. The next major step is getting new headshots. I'm sure the funds will come for that. I've just got to be patient.

Other than that, not much is going on. Drama with my mama, but that's nothing new. I'm thinking I should just stop investing in that relationship, because nothing good seems to come of it. I offered to drive her to work in the morning for a few dollars. Everything was alright until today when we got into it. She told me she feels that she has to walk on eggshells around me, so as not to offend me. Not for nothing but offending me has never stopped her for saying or doing a lot of things, I was shocked to say the least. All of this extends from an earlier "tif" where she was staring at me while I was eating. I hate that! If you're looking at me and I notice, if you don't saying anything I'm going to be like "What?" And in general people watching me eat is extremely bothersome. She claims she was watching my reaction to the new Buffalo Bills Quarterback.....Where's my bullshit button! If she knew me as well as she likes to pretend, she would know I don't keep up with sports. I never did. Anyway, to make a long story short the confrontation ended with her requesting for me to drop her off at a corner about 2 blocks from where she needed to be and stating that this would be the last time she'd get a ride from me. Looks like our 2 month deal is up. Oh well, I reminded her what she owed me and took off. Tomorrow will be interesting, but I'll be busy doing constructive things.

What I found kind of interesting, is that she attempted to compare my relationship with her, with that of my grandmother. She said she acted the way she did because she was on drugs, but couldn't understand what my problem was. Funny how I'm the one with a problem, but drugs justifies everything. I'm guess she feels she's completely innocent with reguards to why I react to her the way I do. Things are the way she made them, after all aren't we all in some way a product of our environment?

There comes a time when enough is most definitely enough. After damn near 30 years I think I've reached my limit. I'm just so unbelievably tired. Tired of being sick over it, tired of the headaches, tired, tired, tired, tired tired. I hope I'm being clear. I'm not an ass kisser, and I'm not about to start that practice now. I don't give a damn if I am related to you. The Golden Rule is something that never gets old and is absolutely true. Treat others the way you would like to be treated, covers everyone from teachers to students, parents to children, peers to peers, and so on.

Right now in this very moment, I'm in a bad way. This week has not been so great, personally. I'm still grappling with the whole "giving up my independence so I can high tail it out of state" issue. I'd almost rather go to hell, than share a living space with my mom. But as I tell my friends, sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do, to get where you want to go. So, I'm takin' it like a woman and suckin' it up. Although, I'll admit, I am kinda draggin' my feet a little bit. I take comfort in the fact I can actually say I had my own place for a year. Next time I move out, I hope to be in a better possition so this doesn't happen again. Everything happens for a reason.