13 posts tagged “life”

Whether the love affair or fling lasted a month or more when your heart is really in it, there's nothing anyone can do that will make heart break any easier to deal with. If you are the one getting dumped in one form or another, it always seems to hurt worse than if you're the one doing the dumping. As of late I've noticed just when I think I've worked through certain things, I'm shown in a massive way that there hasn't been enough time to have passed for me to get over it yet. I'm hoping soon I can move beyond this "stuck" state, because it's literally tearing me up from the inside out....

I'm so upset I almost don't know what to do with myself. However, two of my closest friends have told me I shouldn't let this minor set back get the best of me. *sigh* Believe it or not, I am doing my best to be optimistic about all that's NOT going on in my life. I'll spare the details cuz it'll just add fuel to this already out of control brooding fire. But let me say this....WTF God! WTF! *shakes head*

Sometimes I can't help but feel like the practical joke of life (like today - I totally got played!). So, now what do I need to do in order to get from this point up to where I feel I should be? Not many of the available options do I like, but something is better than nothing and things could always be worse. So I'll send out resumes and fill out applications until I get a desirable hit.

Please pray for me as I am praying for myself.

As of late, I've been doing my best to keep my word and write something everyday. For the most part I've been pretty persistent. I rewrote an old poem I found that I wrote about someone 3 years ago. It's interesting, when I look over my past works how much of a true diary they really are. Those who have made an impact on my life have managed to work their way into some of my pieces, and I'm not just talking about romantic interests either. Some of my pieces were written from a few of my friends' point of view. Anyway, so I've been pretty dignified in keeping my word to myself. *2 gold stars for me!*

I've been thinking a lot about the direction I'd like my life to go. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm in the same place I was when I graduated from high school, only worse off. Sometimes I wonder if going to college was worth all that crap I delt with, but then I remind myself, that had I not gone when I did, I wouldn't have met some of the most important people of my life. So, all in all it's not completely bad. Truth be told I'd really like to go back to school. Only I'm a bit of a chicken. I've noticed that for things that I really want to do I talk a lot about it before I actually make that move. I suppose it's because I've always lived hand to mouth. So, if one of my dominoes gets knocked over everything else is fubr (fucked up beyond recognision - for those who don't know). And there's nothing I hate more than being put in that possition. But I'm learning that things don't come in the perfect package we dream of, but rather arrive in a way in which we're tested for our readiness for these gifts and blessings. Which, is why I'm going through my things and getting rid of the excess before I finally move out. Whether I succeed or fail, I'm not looking back and I don' t want anything around that will tempt me to do so. I've also committed to dressing the opposite of how I feel. This is only when I'm feeling depressed, because when you look good, you feel good. If I'm already feeling good then I'll dress to express that.

I've started drawing out some of the designs I've kept locked in my mind for several years now. With all this time on my hands, I'll actually be able to assemble a garment. I'm excited but feeling a little stifled in the motivation area. I know what I want to do and have done in various aspects of my life, but I'm not feeling all that motivated. The things that used to get my mojo going and what not just don't cut it anymore. I'm looking into other things, but have yet to find something that works. I haven't lost hope though and no matter how sluggish, I'm still getting shit done. =o)

So much has happened in such a short time....Damn August is over already?! That means summer is in its last days, *sigh* fall is coming and soon winter will be upon us. Life....everyday is another adventure. Lately these adventures have had some tremendous highs and astronomical lows. But I refuse to wallow in depression and set up shop. I'm only 29 years and 3 months. I've got a hell of a lot of living to do, goals to accomplish, and love to share. And I couldn't be any prouder of myself than I am right now. I've officially reached my breaking point. This is a good thing, because now I have absolutely no reason to look back.

Last week my mom and I got into it, thus ending our working relationship. It's all good, less stress in my life. A few days later we really had it out. I took a step back and fully assessed the situation. It occured to me that my mom's been acting funny, since I started having things to do and people to do them with. I'm no longer home as much as I used to be, for her to talk my ear off about nothing to do with me. My guess is that she's either jealous or pissed about the changes going on. I need her less and less everyday, besides it's not as if she's ever been there when I've needed her anyway. If I let her in on what's going on in my life it's only because she just happens to be around, not because I really want to share. Sad, I'm sure, but true.

So, here we are engaged in a battle (if you will) of wills and wits, over something so stupid it's laughable. She's theatening me and doing everything in her power to hurt my feelings and bring me down with what are supposed to be hurtful words. Instead of me doing what I usually do, I asked her if she was proud of herself, of the way she's handling this situation. I asked her why is it when she's feeling low she always turns to me, the easy target, to hurt and trample. And she wonders why she hardly ever meets my friends?.....Go figure.

Currently we're not speaking, but that's alright with me. Less noise to have to contend with. Okay, that was just me being mean. But honestly I don't have anything to say to her. The other night when all this crap happed, I said, " You can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. You keep treating me like crap and you find me gone." All I got from that is a, "Well be gone then." I told her, she should be careful what she wished for because she just might get it. And this is when she told me, "at least I won't die alone and depressed." I shook my head and thought of my best friends and how they've been there for me especially during my darkest moments. They have actually been more like family than my blood realatives. I wish I had a camera to capture the look on my mother's face. Instead of feeling crushed and worthless, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "That won't be me, because I have friends in my life who love and care about me. People who are interested in where my passions lie and my well being."

I've got one life to live and I refuse to live it as anyone's punching bag, emotional or other wise. And since it's been made painfully clear in order for me to move forward I have to change people, places, and things.....that's exactly what I'm going to do. I do not have the time or patience for bullshit, my own or anyone elses. If people (in general and specifically) can't get with that, well excuse me and try not to choke on the dust I leave behind. I'm a woman on a mission and this dream will no longer be deffered.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. Having had so many intense things occur over the past two weeks, I've noticed myself doing things out of character. I've never been one to loose myself in someone else. That is to say, regardless of the situation I usually feel secure enough in myself to freely be myself, and not feel the need to self modify, comfortably fitting someone's supposed idea of what I should be. You either take me as I am, or not at all. However, it occurred to me last night that I've put myself on the curb. Trying to understand where others are coming from and recognize in myself examples of what it is I'm constantly being critiqued on, making necessary alterations. Well, sort of . . . .

When a relationship is developing between people, whether it's personal or professional, it's always important not to cheapen what could be a solid foundation with a Swiss cheese façade. I may know or associate with a lot of people, but I have very few friends for this reason. Which is why I'm baffled with myself, and can't understand how or why I got to the place I'm at now. It's not as if I don't have a lot going for me, because I most definitely do. And I'm greatful that God has bestowed so many gifts and opportunities upon me. But because of the way things happen to be shaping up with a particular friend of mine, I'm unsure of how to iron things out. Or worse yet, if they can be ironed out.

It only takes one tackless moment to fuck up one's whole world. Just one. And it seems I have an endless rap sheet of such moments with this individual. I'm aware that sometimes I hold too tightly to people, places, and things I want to keep in my life, which often leads to subconsciencely sabotaging myself. A serious personality flaw I mistakenly thought I'd conquered and overcome, until a mirror was held to my face. On occation though I feel as if I'm being talked at and not talked to, there is a distinct difference. But then maybe I'm just being hypersensitive about everything when it comes to this individual. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to take a time out and have some serious me time. Collect myself and shed this old skin.

It's not as if I haven't had anything going on. I've just not made the time to gab about it.So, here's a bit of an update on some of the things going on in my universe. First let's start with the not so great stuff, you know so we can end on a good note. *wink*

It appears that one of my oldest friends and I are no longer going to be friends. It really sucks because we've known each other since the 8th grade, I've never known anyone that long. With all that we'd gone through and shared with one another I honestly thought we were better friends than we obviously are. Long story short, the shit hit the fan when not only was I snubbed at a dance class we take together, but she attempted to dictated who I could talk to and when. I don't care who you are, if we're not fuckin' and/or you're not payin' my bills I don't have to answer to you about a damn thing. I swear it was like deja vu, because several years back I experienced the same thing with another friend of mine. *sigh* Tricks are for kids, and I'm too damn old for this bullshit. Whether it's a personal relationship or a professional one, I don't ask for more than I'm willing to give and at this point I'm sick of giving. I do things for people because I want to, not because I have some sick point system. I don't keep track of stuff like that. But one does start to notice when things start to feel one sided. And I don't do one sided relationships on any level. So, if we're never friends after this all I can say is this....."People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime".

The other not so great thing that's happened is that I recently went to the ER and discovered I have a bad case of toncelitis. Being sick though wasn't the worst of my experience. For some silly reason that was not disclosed to me, my mother was not allowed to go back with me. That's never happened before, and despite the fact I requested her numerous times, she was never sent for. If I wasn't so out of it I would have raised at least 7 levels of hell. How the hell do they know she's not my proxi? Or that I'm supposed to have someone with me at all times because I might not be capable of understanding what the medical geniouses are saying? Assholes! Also, I was freezing and asked for a blanket. After a few requests I got my weak ass up and walked it into the hall and asked loudly. Funny how quickly the damn blanket came then. I fuckin' hate being sick and feel the same about hospitals for the same reasons. Then to top it all off some woman, who fails to identify herself, comes into my room and begins shooting quesions at me. I really didn't have it all together and stopped to ask her why she was asking all these damn questions. Do you know, this bitch (and yes I mean it, 'cause how effen dare you!) was in the process of submitting an application for medicaid for me, without my permission or knowledge that, that was even an option since I don' t have insurance! And mind you my mother is not present. I should have gone with my first mind and dragged her back there with me. UGH!!! Anyway, I definitely had serious attitude because not only is that a privacy violation, but it's unprofessional and fuckin' RUDE! I knew I didn't qualify anyway, but whatever. The same female had me sign some documents and I requested a copy of those documents (which is within my rights) and she said she had to ask permission to give me thoses copies. I'm thinking I'm itching for a case, because I should NOT have to ask permission for copies of something I signed. Upon request they have to make copies and I should be able to leave the damn facility with those document copies in hand that same day. Instead I was given some number to call. Not haveing insurance really sucks because county hospitals feel they can treat you any kind of way and keep you stupid. The last person that I saw was the lady in charge of getting feed back on the patient experience. Needless to say I gave her an ear full. I highly doubt that anything will be done, because I'm young, black, female, and poor. But I at least felt better expressing my irritations. I'm definitely working on getting my body in a healthier state, because this is not where it's at.

Now on to the good stuff. I recently met someone whose an artist like myself, influenced mostly in music. She's really cool and we seem to have a lot in common and think a lot a like. We talked about colaborating on a few things in the near future. We'll see what happens. She comes across very genuine which is so refreshing because I have no time or space in my life for foolery.

And guess who has not one, but 2 jobs now! Yes, that would be yours truly! Aside from being a coffee guru in training, I'll soon be a sales associate at a clothing store I frequent! With all the not so great things happening along with the absolutely amazing things happening and coming into my life over the last 7 to 8 months, I'm really in a good place and I'm not just happy. I'm actually capturing joy.

Animals are wonderful stress relievers. When I'm stressing out about something, especially when it's over something silly, Jassper and Peanut are my second and third shadows. Interestingly enough, the higher my stress level the closer to me they tread. In general Jassper would prefer if I never picked him up or just let him sit in my lap. However, during the times I'm stressing out he puts up with me holding him and takes it like a man! lol

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times by now but.....If this is a prelude to entering my thirties BRING IT ON!!!! I can no longer say that May is the worst month of every year, or that my birthday is always the worst day of my life. This year is off to a damn good start! I got what I asked for for my birthday, and that was a day that was completely drama free! Thank you GOD!

The next day was even better, because I had an interview for a clothing store I frequent. Whether I get the job or not, I was an awesome interview! And the fact that my interview was with a celebrity really made my day. It was the first time I had met someone I admired from T.V. in person and it was really cool to talk with her and hear about what's been going on in her life. It took the grace of God and every fiber in my being NOT to revert to the age of four and start screaming and jumping up and down. OMG! Life is so damn good right now, just so damn GOOD!!!!

Let's see, the following day Lilly (my car) and I made our way down to Boston (actually Cambridge) to visit Smack. We had TONS of fun. And decided having GPS was worth the coast. I came back into town just in time for a friend's baby shower. It was really nice. I'm so excited for her. She's the 3rd person I know with twins.

I was supposed to hang out with someone I thought was pretty cool today, but that didn't happen. I'm guessing it's cuz I pissed them off. Oh well, not too much I can do about that. It was bound to happen I guess. Pissing people seems to be one of my many talents. It's all good, I didn't have my usual pity party, I've run out of streamers and refuse to spend the time and money on bullshit like that. There's what, 3 billion people in this world? I'm sure there's got to be someone on this rock that wants to actually get to know me and spend quality time with me, minus the front of bullshit.

Dear World,

These days unfortunately I have to go through pain staking planning to access the internet. This blows serious chunks! And so does my living situation by the way, but at least I have a roof over my head. Despite a lot of things that suck in my life concentrating on the positive things I have going on has really helped me keep focus on my short term goals. Although I'd rather be making money like I use to doing something I like, I'm at the point where I don't know what that is anymore (the something(s) I like). So I did something different. I put in an application at a coffee shop downtown. I even stopped by one of the stores I used to work at in the mall and inquired about at least part time employment and submitted an application. Since I've had a lot of time on my hands I've been really thinking about the ways I can go about getting into theater. It does help to pick up a news paper now and again and make trips to the library (like I'm doing now). I'm working on a few monologues that I can use. The next major step is getting new headshots. I'm sure the funds will come for that. I've just got to be patient.

Other than that, not much is going on. Drama with my mama, but that's nothing new. I'm thinking I should just stop investing in that relationship, because nothing good seems to come of it. I offered to drive her to work in the morning for a few dollars. Everything was alright until today when we got into it. She told me she feels that she has to walk on eggshells around me, so as not to offend me. Not for nothing but offending me has never stopped her for saying or doing a lot of things, I was shocked to say the least. All of this extends from an earlier "tif" where she was staring at me while I was eating. I hate that! If you're looking at me and I notice, if you don't saying anything I'm going to be like "What?" And in general people watching me eat is extremely bothersome. She claims she was watching my reaction to the new Buffalo Bills Quarterback.....Where's my bullshit button! If she knew me as well as she likes to pretend, she would know I don't keep up with sports. I never did. Anyway, to make a long story short the confrontation ended with her requesting for me to drop her off at a corner about 2 blocks from where she needed to be and stating that this would be the last time she'd get a ride from me. Looks like our 2 month deal is up. Oh well, I reminded her what she owed me and took off. Tomorrow will be interesting, but I'll be busy doing constructive things.

What I found kind of interesting, is that she attempted to compare my relationship with her, with that of my grandmother. She said she acted the way she did because she was on drugs, but couldn't understand what my problem was. Funny how I'm the one with a problem, but drugs justifies everything. I'm guess she feels she's completely innocent with reguards to why I react to her the way I do. Things are the way she made them, after all aren't we all in some way a product of our environment?

Dear World,

Let's see the last time I posted anything I wasn't in the best of spirits. Since the beginning of April I've been busy packing to move out of my beloved (if not imperfect) apartment back home (yet again), to live with my uncle and mother. It took 2 weeks to do that and 2 more to semi settled. Moving from an apartment into a room is no easy task. I've come to the point where I'm going back into the boxes I brought to the house and am repacking them to put them in storage. This is a little depressing, especially since I'm having to pack up all of my books. I recently joined a book club. It would be pointless to buy books when there literally is no place to put them. *sigh* Truth be told I don't think I'll ever really be able to unpack and settle down until I can afford my own house. By then I'll finally be able to pull all my books out of their boxes and display them on bookshelves. I'll also be free to decorate and paint like I want.

On a brighter note, I am progressing at playing the guitar. I was given an assignment the other week to write a song. I've never done that before so I really a taking a stab in the dark. I was thinking about adding lyrics, but I'm not there yet. It's relaxing, despite the soreness in my hands when I forget myself and play hours on end. I'm really into this song writing thing. I was tinkering with Miranda (my guitar) and came up with a few bars. I had to skip ahead in the book to figure out what notes I was playing, but it's all coming together.

I bought a really good pair of tap shoes the other day too. I originally was debating whether or not to get them, because dance shoes can be so expensive. I have 2 other pairs of taps which cost me something like $30 a pair, but I've lost the same tap, on the same shoe of both pairs. I really don't want to keep replacing my tap shoes every other month. So, I figured the investment on one really good pair of taps would save me money in the long run. I'm gonna try and brake them in tomorrow. =o) Also, I was introduced to an opportunity that may just give me the working flexibility I need to audition for plays and what not. Also, it'll help me network. I'm kinda nervous but excited. I feel in the depths of my soul I'm doing the right thing. I really do!

Thus far the only thing that's been holding me back is being sick. Last week I was experiencing flu like symptoms. I went to the ER and after 3 painful attempts at setting up an IV, by 2 staff members, a wonderful nurse got it on the 4th try and I was given fluids to rehydrate me. Despite my glands being swollen and a bit of redness in my tonsils I was told to come back in 7-10 days if the symptoms persist. I wasn't too thrilled about that, but I learned something interesting. Did you know that an elevated heart rate can indicate the possibility of dehydration? I didn't. The funny thing about this is, I don't like needles. It seemed that my vitals were being taken pretty much after every time I had an encounter with one. Yes, yes y'all, I'm a big stinking baby! I get all worked up over a finger prick. And no, the fact that I had to go in for blood work once a month for almost a year hasn't changed my view or my response. =o)

About a week ago, I went to a Women's meeting. I was not in a good way at all. My mother and I had gotten into it yet again and I was so angry and frustrated I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt better after that meeting and decided to focus on what I do have, verses what I don't. So far, so good. I even happened into a little extra money which allowed me to partake in a sale that FashionBug was having (a buy one get one %50 off), and buy some much needed jeans for 4 pairs of jeans, a cute tee, and a pair of comfortable cute shoes, I spent less than $100. No can tell me I'm not blessed, NO ONE!

Well, I'm beginning to get over this .... whatever it is, working on my writing, and preparing mono logs. I want to be prepared the next time auditions are posted.

Until next time, keep looking on the bright side of life.

*Ladie Fire*