3 posts tagged “friends”

So much has happened in such a short time....Damn August is over already?! That means summer is in its last days, *sigh* fall is coming and soon winter will be upon us. Life....everyday is another adventure. Lately these adventures have had some tremendous highs and astronomical lows. But I refuse to wallow in depression and set up shop. I'm only 29 years and 3 months. I've got a hell of a lot of living to do, goals to accomplish, and love to share. And I couldn't be any prouder of myself than I am right now. I've officially reached my breaking point. This is a good thing, because now I have absolutely no reason to look back.

Last week my mom and I got into it, thus ending our working relationship. It's all good, less stress in my life. A few days later we really had it out. I took a step back and fully assessed the situation. It occured to me that my mom's been acting funny, since I started having things to do and people to do them with. I'm no longer home as much as I used to be, for her to talk my ear off about nothing to do with me. My guess is that she's either jealous or pissed about the changes going on. I need her less and less everyday, besides it's not as if she's ever been there when I've needed her anyway. If I let her in on what's going on in my life it's only because she just happens to be around, not because I really want to share. Sad, I'm sure, but true.

So, here we are engaged in a battle (if you will) of wills and wits, over something so stupid it's laughable. She's theatening me and doing everything in her power to hurt my feelings and bring me down with what are supposed to be hurtful words. Instead of me doing what I usually do, I asked her if she was proud of herself, of the way she's handling this situation. I asked her why is it when she's feeling low she always turns to me, the easy target, to hurt and trample. And she wonders why she hardly ever meets my friends?.....Go figure.

Currently we're not speaking, but that's alright with me. Less noise to have to contend with. Okay, that was just me being mean. But honestly I don't have anything to say to her. The other night when all this crap happed, I said, " You can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. You keep treating me like crap and you find me gone." All I got from that is a, "Well be gone then." I told her, she should be careful what she wished for because she just might get it. And this is when she told me, "at least I won't die alone and depressed." I shook my head and thought of my best friends and how they've been there for me especially during my darkest moments. They have actually been more like family than my blood realatives. I wish I had a camera to capture the look on my mother's face. Instead of feeling crushed and worthless, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "That won't be me, because I have friends in my life who love and care about me. People who are interested in where my passions lie and my well being."

I've got one life to live and I refuse to live it as anyone's punching bag, emotional or other wise. And since it's been made painfully clear in order for me to move forward I have to change people, places, and things.....that's exactly what I'm going to do. I do not have the time or patience for bullshit, my own or anyone elses. If people (in general and specifically) can't get with that, well excuse me and try not to choke on the dust I leave behind. I'm a woman on a mission and this dream will no longer be deffered.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. Having had so many intense things occur over the past two weeks, I've noticed myself doing things out of character. I've never been one to loose myself in someone else. That is to say, regardless of the situation I usually feel secure enough in myself to freely be myself, and not feel the need to self modify, comfortably fitting someone's supposed idea of what I should be. You either take me as I am, or not at all. However, it occurred to me last night that I've put myself on the curb. Trying to understand where others are coming from and recognize in myself examples of what it is I'm constantly being critiqued on, making necessary alterations. Well, sort of . . . .

When a relationship is developing between people, whether it's personal or professional, it's always important not to cheapen what could be a solid foundation with a Swiss cheese façade. I may know or associate with a lot of people, but I have very few friends for this reason. Which is why I'm baffled with myself, and can't understand how or why I got to the place I'm at now. It's not as if I don't have a lot going for me, because I most definitely do. And I'm greatful that God has bestowed so many gifts and opportunities upon me. But because of the way things happen to be shaping up with a particular friend of mine, I'm unsure of how to iron things out. Or worse yet, if they can be ironed out.

It only takes one tackless moment to fuck up one's whole world. Just one. And it seems I have an endless rap sheet of such moments with this individual. I'm aware that sometimes I hold too tightly to people, places, and things I want to keep in my life, which often leads to subconsciencely sabotaging myself. A serious personality flaw I mistakenly thought I'd conquered and overcome, until a mirror was held to my face. On occation though I feel as if I'm being talked at and not talked to, there is a distinct difference. But then maybe I'm just being hypersensitive about everything when it comes to this individual. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to take a time out and have some serious me time. Collect myself and shed this old skin.

It's not as if I haven't had anything going on. I've just not made the time to gab about it.So, here's a bit of an update on some of the things going on in my universe. First let's start with the not so great stuff, you know so we can end on a good note. *wink*

It appears that one of my oldest friends and I are no longer going to be friends. It really sucks because we've known each other since the 8th grade, I've never known anyone that long. With all that we'd gone through and shared with one another I honestly thought we were better friends than we obviously are. Long story short, the shit hit the fan when not only was I snubbed at a dance class we take together, but she attempted to dictated who I could talk to and when. I don't care who you are, if we're not fuckin' and/or you're not payin' my bills I don't have to answer to you about a damn thing. I swear it was like deja vu, because several years back I experienced the same thing with another friend of mine. *sigh* Tricks are for kids, and I'm too damn old for this bullshit. Whether it's a personal relationship or a professional one, I don't ask for more than I'm willing to give and at this point I'm sick of giving. I do things for people because I want to, not because I have some sick point system. I don't keep track of stuff like that. But one does start to notice when things start to feel one sided. And I don't do one sided relationships on any level. So, if we're never friends after this all I can say is this....."People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime".

The other not so great thing that's happened is that I recently went to the ER and discovered I have a bad case of toncelitis. Being sick though wasn't the worst of my experience. For some silly reason that was not disclosed to me, my mother was not allowed to go back with me. That's never happened before, and despite the fact I requested her numerous times, she was never sent for. If I wasn't so out of it I would have raised at least 7 levels of hell. How the hell do they know she's not my proxi? Or that I'm supposed to have someone with me at all times because I might not be capable of understanding what the medical geniouses are saying? Assholes! Also, I was freezing and asked for a blanket. After a few requests I got my weak ass up and walked it into the hall and asked loudly. Funny how quickly the damn blanket came then. I fuckin' hate being sick and feel the same about hospitals for the same reasons. Then to top it all off some woman, who fails to identify herself, comes into my room and begins shooting quesions at me. I really didn't have it all together and stopped to ask her why she was asking all these damn questions. Do you know, this bitch (and yes I mean it, 'cause how effen dare you!) was in the process of submitting an application for medicaid for me, without my permission or knowledge that, that was even an option since I don' t have insurance! And mind you my mother is not present. I should have gone with my first mind and dragged her back there with me. UGH!!! Anyway, I definitely had serious attitude because not only is that a privacy violation, but it's unprofessional and fuckin' RUDE! I knew I didn't qualify anyway, but whatever. The same female had me sign some documents and I requested a copy of those documents (which is within my rights) and she said she had to ask permission to give me thoses copies. I'm thinking I'm itching for a case, because I should NOT have to ask permission for copies of something I signed. Upon request they have to make copies and I should be able to leave the damn facility with those document copies in hand that same day. Instead I was given some number to call. Not haveing insurance really sucks because county hospitals feel they can treat you any kind of way and keep you stupid. The last person that I saw was the lady in charge of getting feed back on the patient experience. Needless to say I gave her an ear full. I highly doubt that anything will be done, because I'm young, black, female, and poor. But I at least felt better expressing my irritations. I'm definitely working on getting my body in a healthier state, because this is not where it's at.

Now on to the good stuff. I recently met someone whose an artist like myself, influenced mostly in music. She's really cool and we seem to have a lot in common and think a lot a like. We talked about colaborating on a few things in the near future. We'll see what happens. She comes across very genuine which is so refreshing because I have no time or space in my life for foolery.

And guess who has not one, but 2 jobs now! Yes, that would be yours truly! Aside from being a coffee guru in training, I'll soon be a sales associate at a clothing store I frequent! With all the not so great things happening along with the absolutely amazing things happening and coming into my life over the last 7 to 8 months, I'm really in a good place and I'm not just happy. I'm actually capturing joy.