5 posts tagged “food for thought”

There is something to be said about a parent who chooses to be honest with their child, instead of spoon feed them bullshit. As of late I've been checking myself, really checking myself. I mean I don't think I'm all that bad of a person, and sometimes I'm not all that great of one either. But recently I've had the urge to know how other people view me, especially since nine times out of ten I don't see in myself what they see in me. So, I've been casually talking to those who know me best and those who've known me for a little while and what not to get their honest opinion about some things. What I discovered is that about half the time I think there's something wrong with me, I'm wrong.

I spoke with one of my exes the other day and asked if she missed me, and if so what did she miss about me. It wasn't that I was trying to start something back up with her, but some time ago she'd posed the same question to me. Back then I still felt a kind of way about her and the whole of the situation and wasn't all that nice in my response. So, I was a bit surprised that she was willing to talk with me and supply an honest answer. She said that sometimes she did miss me, that she like that I was different and caring. What made me see her in a new light was when she told me at the time she didn't know what she had and wasn't ready for me, taking full responsibility for how things ended. Interestingly enough, having this conversation with her made me feel better about myself and also made me want to review other relationships I have and have had.

For some reason my mother doesn't like a particular friend of mind. I asked her a few months ago why and she gave me some bullshit answer, that I immediately tore down and voiced what I really thought was going on. Turns out I was only half right. I asked her last night again, what her issue with my friend was, and finally got the truth. Even though my mother and I are not at all close, in no way, shape, or form does she want me to be hurt. Other dating situations and romantic relationships I've had she thought were a flash in a pan. And long distance posed no real threat of someone "taking me away". However, with someone being in such close proximity and me spending a considerable amount of time with that person, my mother became jealous. Especially when it came to my car. Everyone knows, I don't let anyone drive my car. Absolutely NO one, with the exception of Smack who has the same kind of car. Well I not only let my friend drive my car, I gave her one of my spare keys. Understand that if I didn't trust her, none of this would have ever taken place. And I explained this to my mom. This is literally her issue not mine, to which she agrees. And has said that it'll take time for her to work it out. As whacked as my mom can be, whether silly or not I appreciate her honesty. The less bullshit busting I have to do the better.

No one goes through life wanting to get hurt or be taken advantage of by anyone. And people also don't want to feel as if they're constantly depending upon a crutch to stand on their own. But since the future is unforeseen, because it has yet to happen, absolutely anything is possible. Taking risks to liven up this adventure called life is what makes it interesting. I don't want to sitting on the couch one day going over the "what ifs" or brooding over regrets. Which is why I'm leaving myself open for whatever life has to offer and keeping my eyes peeled for the fakes. There's nothing worse then a bad investment no matter whether it's time or money. The only thing that's certain is that there's always something to learn from these experiences. And I hope I've gathered enough to stop making the same lame mistakes.

As of late, I've been doing my best to keep my word and write something everyday. For the most part I've been pretty persistent. I rewrote an old poem I found that I wrote about someone 3 years ago. It's interesting, when I look over my past works how much of a true diary they really are. Those who have made an impact on my life have managed to work their way into some of my pieces, and I'm not just talking about romantic interests either. Some of my pieces were written from a few of my friends' point of view. Anyway, so I've been pretty dignified in keeping my word to myself. *2 gold stars for me!*

I've been thinking a lot about the direction I'd like my life to go. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm in the same place I was when I graduated from high school, only worse off. Sometimes I wonder if going to college was worth all that crap I delt with, but then I remind myself, that had I not gone when I did, I wouldn't have met some of the most important people of my life. So, all in all it's not completely bad. Truth be told I'd really like to go back to school. Only I'm a bit of a chicken. I've noticed that for things that I really want to do I talk a lot about it before I actually make that move. I suppose it's because I've always lived hand to mouth. So, if one of my dominoes gets knocked over everything else is fubr (fucked up beyond recognision - for those who don't know). And there's nothing I hate more than being put in that possition. But I'm learning that things don't come in the perfect package we dream of, but rather arrive in a way in which we're tested for our readiness for these gifts and blessings. Which, is why I'm going through my things and getting rid of the excess before I finally move out. Whether I succeed or fail, I'm not looking back and I don' t want anything around that will tempt me to do so. I've also committed to dressing the opposite of how I feel. This is only when I'm feeling depressed, because when you look good, you feel good. If I'm already feeling good then I'll dress to express that.

I've started drawing out some of the designs I've kept locked in my mind for several years now. With all this time on my hands, I'll actually be able to assemble a garment. I'm excited but feeling a little stifled in the motivation area. I know what I want to do and have done in various aspects of my life, but I'm not feeling all that motivated. The things that used to get my mojo going and what not just don't cut it anymore. I'm looking into other things, but have yet to find something that works. I haven't lost hope though and no matter how sluggish, I'm still getting shit done. =o)

So much has happened in such a short time....Damn August is over already?! That means summer is in its last days, *sigh* fall is coming and soon winter will be upon us. Life....everyday is another adventure. Lately these adventures have had some tremendous highs and astronomical lows. But I refuse to wallow in depression and set up shop. I'm only 29 years and 3 months. I've got a hell of a lot of living to do, goals to accomplish, and love to share. And I couldn't be any prouder of myself than I am right now. I've officially reached my breaking point. This is a good thing, because now I have absolutely no reason to look back.

Last week my mom and I got into it, thus ending our working relationship. It's all good, less stress in my life. A few days later we really had it out. I took a step back and fully assessed the situation. It occured to me that my mom's been acting funny, since I started having things to do and people to do them with. I'm no longer home as much as I used to be, for her to talk my ear off about nothing to do with me. My guess is that she's either jealous or pissed about the changes going on. I need her less and less everyday, besides it's not as if she's ever been there when I've needed her anyway. If I let her in on what's going on in my life it's only because she just happens to be around, not because I really want to share. Sad, I'm sure, but true.

So, here we are engaged in a battle (if you will) of wills and wits, over something so stupid it's laughable. She's theatening me and doing everything in her power to hurt my feelings and bring me down with what are supposed to be hurtful words. Instead of me doing what I usually do, I asked her if she was proud of herself, of the way she's handling this situation. I asked her why is it when she's feeling low she always turns to me, the easy target, to hurt and trample. And she wonders why she hardly ever meets my friends?.....Go figure.

Currently we're not speaking, but that's alright with me. Less noise to have to contend with. Okay, that was just me being mean. But honestly I don't have anything to say to her. The other night when all this crap happed, I said, " You can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. You keep treating me like crap and you find me gone." All I got from that is a, "Well be gone then." I told her, she should be careful what she wished for because she just might get it. And this is when she told me, "at least I won't die alone and depressed." I shook my head and thought of my best friends and how they've been there for me especially during my darkest moments. They have actually been more like family than my blood realatives. I wish I had a camera to capture the look on my mother's face. Instead of feeling crushed and worthless, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "That won't be me, because I have friends in my life who love and care about me. People who are interested in where my passions lie and my well being."

I've got one life to live and I refuse to live it as anyone's punching bag, emotional or other wise. And since it's been made painfully clear in order for me to move forward I have to change people, places, and things.....that's exactly what I'm going to do. I do not have the time or patience for bullshit, my own or anyone elses. If people (in general and specifically) can't get with that, well excuse me and try not to choke on the dust I leave behind. I'm a woman on a mission and this dream will no longer be deffered.

A video I'm sure all women can identify with.

Dear World,

These days unfortunately I have to go through pain staking planning to access the internet. This blows serious chunks! And so does my living situation by the way, but at least I have a roof over my head. Despite a lot of things that suck in my life concentrating on the positive things I have going on has really helped me keep focus on my short term goals. Although I'd rather be making money like I use to doing something I like, I'm at the point where I don't know what that is anymore (the something(s) I like). So I did something different. I put in an application at a coffee shop downtown. I even stopped by one of the stores I used to work at in the mall and inquired about at least part time employment and submitted an application. Since I've had a lot of time on my hands I've been really thinking about the ways I can go about getting into theater. It does help to pick up a news paper now and again and make trips to the library (like I'm doing now). I'm working on a few monologues that I can use. The next major step is getting new headshots. I'm sure the funds will come for that. I've just got to be patient.

Other than that, not much is going on. Drama with my mama, but that's nothing new. I'm thinking I should just stop investing in that relationship, because nothing good seems to come of it. I offered to drive her to work in the morning for a few dollars. Everything was alright until today when we got into it. She told me she feels that she has to walk on eggshells around me, so as not to offend me. Not for nothing but offending me has never stopped her for saying or doing a lot of things, I was shocked to say the least. All of this extends from an earlier "tif" where she was staring at me while I was eating. I hate that! If you're looking at me and I notice, if you don't saying anything I'm going to be like "What?" And in general people watching me eat is extremely bothersome. She claims she was watching my reaction to the new Buffalo Bills Quarterback.....Where's my bullshit button! If she knew me as well as she likes to pretend, she would know I don't keep up with sports. I never did. Anyway, to make a long story short the confrontation ended with her requesting for me to drop her off at a corner about 2 blocks from where she needed to be and stating that this would be the last time she'd get a ride from me. Looks like our 2 month deal is up. Oh well, I reminded her what she owed me and took off. Tomorrow will be interesting, but I'll be busy doing constructive things.

What I found kind of interesting, is that she attempted to compare my relationship with her, with that of my grandmother. She said she acted the way she did because she was on drugs, but couldn't understand what my problem was. Funny how I'm the one with a problem, but drugs justifies everything. I'm guess she feels she's completely innocent with reguards to why I react to her the way I do. Things are the way she made them, after all aren't we all in some way a product of our environment?