2 posts tagged “babble”

Dear World,

To be perfectly honest I thought this quarter life crisis would be over by now, but I was sadly mistaken. *sigh* My living situation isn't the greatest, it's finally been driven home that I'm really not that great of a friend, and the presence of certain blood relatives makes me physically ill. I'm sure I can lengthen the list of complaints that I have about my life right now, but it's really not worth it. They're minor, little petty irritations compared to the big picture. Now, I know that intellectually, however sometimes I just don't grasp it emotionally. And sometimes I don't care to take the "well it could be worse" perspective.

I know from the core of my soul that a resolution to my current living situation is on the sunrise of a soon to come day. It's just taking a hell of a lot longer than I would like, but I'm working on maintaining my patience. As for my friendships, clearly I need to work a little harder on them. Some definitely come a lot easier than others, but still they all need to be worked. I find that I'm a lot better at friendships than any other type of relationships. It was made clear to me, why things didn't work out with someone I met over the summer. It's not necessarily about tactless moments, as much as it's about instances of mistrust. I apparently over stepped the friendship ethics line and still can't understand how, I'm guessing the social lubricant of alcohol may have contribute to that. However, I take full responsibility for whatever it was I said, that caused that assumption. I wouldn't purposefully say anything to or about someone I care for to hurt their feelings. Clearly though, there are some things one just can't come back from. Which is why I've been evaluating the relationships I have with others. Some can't be repaired and I don't care for them to, while others are getting weak. I need to hunt down addresses and put my large stock of stationary to good use.

There is something to be said about a parent who chooses to be honest with their child, instead of spoon feed them bullshit. As of late I've been checking myself, really checking myself. I mean I don't think I'm all that bad of a person, and sometimes I'm not all that great of one either. But recently I've had the urge to know how other people view me, especially since nine times out of ten I don't see in myself what they see in me. So, I've been casually talking to those who know me best and those who've known me for a little while and what not to get their honest opinion about some things. What I discovered is that about half the time I think there's something wrong with me, I'm wrong.

I spoke with one of my exes the other day and asked if she missed me, and if so what did she miss about me. It wasn't that I was trying to start something back up with her, but some time ago she'd posed the same question to me. Back then I still felt a kind of way about her and the whole of the situation and wasn't all that nice in my response. So, I was a bit surprised that she was willing to talk with me and supply an honest answer. She said that sometimes she did miss me, that she like that I was different and caring. What made me see her in a new light was when she told me at the time she didn't know what she had and wasn't ready for me, taking full responsibility for how things ended. Interestingly enough, having this conversation with her made me feel better about myself and also made me want to review other relationships I have and have had.

For some reason my mother doesn't like a particular friend of mind. I asked her a few months ago why and she gave me some bullshit answer, that I immediately tore down and voiced what I really thought was going on. Turns out I was only half right. I asked her last night again, what her issue with my friend was, and finally got the truth. Even though my mother and I are not at all close, in no way, shape, or form does she want me to be hurt. Other dating situations and romantic relationships I've had she thought were a flash in a pan. And long distance posed no real threat of someone "taking me away". However, with someone being in such close proximity and me spending a considerable amount of time with that person, my mother became jealous. Especially when it came to my car. Everyone knows, I don't let anyone drive my car. Absolutely NO one, with the exception of Smack who has the same kind of car. Well I not only let my friend drive my car, I gave her one of my spare keys. Understand that if I didn't trust her, none of this would have ever taken place. And I explained this to my mom. This is literally her issue not mine, to which she agrees. And has said that it'll take time for her to work it out. As whacked as my mom can be, whether silly or not I appreciate her honesty. The less bullshit busting I have to do the better.

No one goes through life wanting to get hurt or be taken advantage of by anyone. And people also don't want to feel as if they're constantly depending upon a crutch to stand on their own. But since the future is unforeseen, because it has yet to happen, absolutely anything is possible. Taking risks to liven up this adventure called life is what makes it interesting. I don't want to sitting on the couch one day going over the "what ifs" or brooding over regrets. Which is why I'm leaving myself open for whatever life has to offer and keeping my eyes peeled for the fakes. There's nothing worse then a bad investment no matter whether it's time or money. The only thing that's certain is that there's always something to learn from these experiences. And I hope I've gathered enough to stop making the same lame mistakes.