http://www.ingenio.com/details/Mark-Sichel/Other/5148124
Sweet Jesus. Enuff said.
I've been practicing for over twenty years and am experienced with
almost every kind of problem. I have no difficulty figuring out what
you need to do and telling you how to do it....whether it's a problem
with your mate or your spirit, nerves, or trauma, let's get to work and
get YOU feeling better fast. My social worker 'spidey' senses tingling, heart sinking, I began reading.
The Reader's Digest version of the article is, writer, Julie Myerson is accused of writing about her children, thusly denying them both respect and privacy. She is accused of betraying love, intimacy and motherhood by various rabidly angry critics and Mark Sichel, rather than taking a more objective, principled high road, throws a few more sticks on Myerson's pyre in the town square. He states that Ms Myerson, "resigned from her job as Jake’s mother", after asking her 17 year old son to leave the family home for his drug abuse and chaotic behavior. A strategy known to many parents as "tough love".
Mr Sichel might have chosen to explore the historical context of tough love, and how various people have experienced this parenting strategy as both powerfully positive and also horribly horrific. He may have wanted to look at the sorts of advice parents are given from family, friends and so called 'experts' about how to manage an 'out of control child'. He might have looked at how very often the responsibility to manage these 'out of control' children resides with the mother. He may have chosen to look at the social constructions of motherhood, mother blame and 'good enough' parenting as presented by psychologist Donald Winnicott. He may have wanted to acknowledge that Myerson is hooped either way she fights the fight: Allow her son to remain in the family home, exposing the larger family to the chaos of a drug abusing teen - or ask him to leave ... either way, she will be criticized as a mother, as a woman.
Sichel criticizes Myserson's decision as an abdication of parenthood and frames it in the context of Myerson's estrangement from her own father. There is a suggestion here that Myserson has somehow failed to 'learn the lesson' inherent in her own experience of parental estrangement . Sichel however, does not go on to explore the very frequent pattern of inter-generational family estrangement, or to consider how Myserson may have been profoundly shaped by her experiences. There is little of compassion in Sichel's criticisms of Myerson, a quality I consider as primary and central to the family estrangement discourse.
Sichel points out that Myerson may have used her son's period of abstinence 'as a stepping-stone to repairing the rift
between Jake and his family' and seems to freeze this possibility as a one off opportunity, now missed - due to the fact Myerson broke the Golden Rule, Thou Shalt Not Write About Thy Children. It should be said that even after a fairly vigorous search for this literary 'rule' I have seen no evidence of it. The world is full of books, blogs, magazine articles of people writing about their kids. It is not until we see mothers, speaking of their experiences of parenting in less than glowing terms, that the 'mommy police' come out of the woodwork. [see my recent post, Bad Mommy]. Had Sichel included even a brief mention of this phenomena, I'd have been appeased. But no.
"Julie chose to publicly expose her child’s drug problems and the related behavioral problems caused by the drug abuse. Now that, in my opinion, is off limits, indecent and obscene." So says Sichel. "Any parent with respect for their child and human decency, love and kindness would not be critical of their child in their writing and publicly humiliate them for their own glorification as a writer." Suddenly Myerson is without decency, love or kindness and has behaved 'obscenely'. There is no room given for Myerson to write about her obviously very difficult experiences as a parent, no question about the truth of her experiences having equal validity, no room for Myerson to be central to her own story.
In Sichel's opinion, "Julie Myerson, however, made two indefensible moves: she not only publicly defamed her son but she never, at least in public, reflected on her role in her son’s problem." Is it defamation to speak truthfully, openly, passionately about how Myserson as a mother was impacted and influenced by her child's behavior? I say no, no it is not. I have read excerpts from Myerson's book, 'The Lost Child: a True Story' and no offense to her, she is perhaps more literary than some, but it's nothing that I haven't read in numerous places (books, blogs, articles) from other parents and mothers who have parented through a teen's crisis. I would argue that Myerson's choice to write at all about her children may be viewed as an effort to make sense of her experiences as a mother, and is nothing if not a reflection of her role in her son's difficulties and broader life.
All this leaves me wondering what is it about Myerson that brought the "mommy police' out in all their rampant glory? As I ask that question, I am quite cognizant that it doesn't have to be much, luck of the draw, wrong place, wrong time, one 'hostile bystander'. Why Myerson, remains however a valid question.
I'd like to see Julie Myerson's choices as a writer considered both from a place of gendered analysis and also framed in context to larger research about family estrangement. Hell, I'd like to see Julie Myerson's choices as a mother considered from the same places. I dare say the article would read considerably different from that of Mark Sichel, a publicly acclaimed psychologist and an "expert" in family estrangement.
I am so very grateful that I did not find my way to Mr Sichel's office to address my family estrangement issues. Shame on you Mark Sichel.
Without question, being in a perpetually hurtful relationship hurts. Many people come to estrangement after years of working really hard to try to mend broken relationships, heal wounded ones and grow stunted ones – and failing. For most people, estrangement was not their first choice, but does estrangement really put an end to the hurt?
“I don’t have to deal with new hurt.
That’s the ‘gift’ of estrangement. I know if I were involved with my
family, I would fall right back into being their punching bag. I’m not ok though. Not ok at all.”
Estrangement can seem like the only solution when it feels like you
have tried everything else. In the case of truly abusive and damaging
relationships, estrangement might appear a wise and healthy choice indeed. “My father sexually abused my sister and me. He has no remorse around any of it. We don’t need him in our lives.”
However, some people who have consciously chosen to estrange to prevent
further injury, will report feeling emotionally tethered to the
relationship, even though the person(s) are no longer a part of their
lives. “I feel like I have spent my whole life looking for people
to give me the love, acceptance and approval I never got from my
mother. We will die without me ever having known why she couldn’t love
me.” Other people who are estranged from a family member report very high levels of ambivalence about their relationship and
choice to sever the relationship. “I don’t want to be around him, but it hurts to be without him. I’m numb about the whole thing.”
Estrangement carries consequences that
people may not consider at the point of choosing to cut away from their
families. Each family member carries a piece of the ‘collective’ family
story and to lose even one person, is to lose an essential part of the
history and story of the family. “I have no photos of myself as a
child. My family would have them, but I can’t ask for them. I feel like
I am a ghost sometimes.” Estrangement also carries some very pragmatic losses. “I’m
pregnant and will be having my first child. I have no idea if there are
health things I should be aware of..you know, stuff that runs in the
family … because I don’t talk to anyone in my family.”
Estrangement does not always end the hurt, and in fact, can create a whole different set of consequences, which are often just as painful.
Things to ponder ….
- Has estrangement ‘fixed’ your hurts?
- Has your estrangement created hurt for others?
- How do you emotionally ‘manage’ your estrangement?
- Do you feel like you have lost part of your family ’story’?
- Do you ever feel like you have lost essential pieces of your own history?
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Alexandra Romanov - The Last Czarina - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
Alexandra Romanov – The last Czarina of Russia (1872-1918)
The last Czarina of Russia, Alexandra Romanov was born in Germany. Converting to Russian Orthodoxy upon her marriage to Nicholas II of Russia, she became a passionate convert. She was unpopular with the Russian people, because of her German birth and her notorious relationship with Rasputin. Russia withdrew from WWI and the accompanying Bolshevik revolution forced the Tsar to abdicate and the family went into house arrest.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair
Lighting:
Key light: 1000 Monoblock, softbox camera left
Fill: Monoblock, softbox camera right.
© Alexia Sinclair
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Catherine the Great - The Enlightened Empress - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
The German born princess emerged from obscurity when she was chosen to become the wife of the future Emperor Peter III. Changing her name to Catherine, she read widely and familiarised herself with Russian conditions and values. Her fervent embrace of both the Orthodox faith and Russian culture, won her much love from the Russian people. Her husband Peter, on the otherhand, was said to have the intellect of a child. Once he succeeded to the Throne, a group of conspirators, headed by Catherine’s current lover, proclaimed her autocrat. Shortly afterward Peter was murdered.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair
MUA/Body Painting: Leeby Sotherine
Model: Chadwick Models
Lighting: 600 monoblock camera right, 1/2 power.
Post: Alexia Sinclair
© Alexia Sinclair
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Marie Antoinette - The extravagant Queen (1755-1793) - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
Marie Antoinette was the Queen of France during the French Revolution. Born in Vienna, she was sent to Versailles at the age of fourteen where she was married to the future King of France, Louis XVI. At this time, France was the most powerful nation in Europe, and the royal palace of Versailles, the most opulent. Four years after her arrival she became the Queen of France.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair
Lighting: Softbox camera right & left (of model), key and fill respectively (1 stop differentiation).
Post: Alexia Sinclair
© Alexia Sinclair
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Elizabeth Báthory – The Countess of Blood (1560-1614) - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
A Countess in Transylvania, Elizabeth Báthory, was known as the "Countess of Blood" and is considered the most famous serial killer in Slovak and Hungarian history. Báthory is also credited along with her relative, Vlad the Impaler, as the two historical figures upon which Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula is based. According to legend, Báthory struck a servant girl and drew blood when her pointed nails raked the girl's cheek. When the blood touched Báthory's skin, she became convinced that it had improved her complexion. The Countess reasoned that if she bathed in the blood of young virgins and drank their blood, she would rejuvenate. The killing spree commenced. She began to roam the countryside by night, hunting for suitable girls. Elizabeth is said to have bathed in their blood in a huge marble bath.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair
Lighting: Softbox camera right & left (of model), key and fill respectively (1 stop differentiation).
Post: Alexia Sinclair
© Alexia Sinclair
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Cleopatra - The Seductress (69 BC – 30 BC) - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
Born in Alexandria, Egypt, Cleopatra VII was the last Pharaoh of Egypt and the last of the Ptolemaic line. After the resolution of rivalry with her siblings and her alignment with the Romans, seventeen year old Cleopatra became the Queen of Egypt. It was said of Cleopatra that, when Gaius Julius Caesar marched upon Alexandria, Cleopatra, had herself smuggled to Caesar inside an oriental rug. When the rug was unrolled, Cleopatra tumbled out. It is said that Caesar was bewitched by her charm and that a scandalous love affair commenced that very night. After Caesar's assassination Cleopatra realigned herself with the Roman general, Mark Antony.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair.
MUA/Bodypainting: Leeby Sotherine & Sahra Bull
Lighting: Softbox right (key) softbox left (fill) 1 stop difference between the two.
Model: Melanie P
Retoucher/Post: Alexia Sinclair
© Alexia Sinclair
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Elizabeth I – The Virgin Queen (1533-1603) - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
The daughter of King Henry VIII, Elizabeth was born into royalty at Greenwich Palace near London. Henry, hoping for a male heir, declared Elizabeth illegitimate, accused her mother of adultery and had her beheaded. Succeeding her sister to the throne, Elizabeth ruled with the knowledge that effective rule depended upon popular support. Advisors urged the queen to marry to strengthen ties with allies and to produce heirs to the throne, yet Elizabeth chose instead to marry England. Strategically aligning herself with the catholic figure the Virgin Mary, Elizabeth secured a shift of power through her embodiment of symbolic virginity. Purified, she was transformed from an illegitimate protestant woman to ‘the virgin queen’. Her purification began with a physical transformation by cutting off her hair, whitening her skin and adorning herself in pearls; symbols of purity and wealth.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair.
Hair: Illustrated
MUA: Leeby Sotherine & Sahra Bull
Lighting: Softbox left (key) softbox right (fill) 1 stop difference between the two.
Model: Louise Van de Vorst, Chadwick Models
Retoucher/Post: Alexia Sinclair
Rings, Orb, Sceptre, Pearls and Crown & Chess set all composites.
© Alexia Sinclair
Alexia Sinclair uploaded this image to flickr, click the image and follow the link to the original page
Agrippina - The Poisoness (AD 15-59) - Part of the Regal Twelve series.
Julia Agrippina II was a Roman Empress. Born into nobility, she was the sister of Caligula and great-niece to Tiberius, niece and wife of Claudius and mother of Nero. Agrippina’s infamous reputation was that of an Empress and a poisoness.
Photographer: Alexia Sinclair.
Arch: Triamphal Arch, Volubilis, Morocco (Roman Ruins)
Lighting: As the lion was shot in a circus cage without strobes, the model was shot to look as natural as possible next to the lion. Softboxes camera (key) left and (fill) right not much differentiation just enough to all most flexible use of the model in post.
Model: Kate T, Chadwick Models.
Retoucher/Post: Alexia Sinclair
© Alexia Sinclair
