A poem about walking up and down a hallway a dozen times a day, and studiously avoiding the closed door, the forbidden door, the door which if opened, "will only bring misery on thyself"
There is a door. There are no poems inside me for this door. Not today at any rate. The door is my daughter's and its been shut, more or less, since she left for a one month holiday, two months ago and never came back. No, she's not dead - she's just 'estranging'. I don't know why I am so devastated, shell shocked with grief and loss ... estranging is something my family excel at. I even saw it coming, not because we had problems in our relationship (we were quite close), not because she was lacking for something at home (we've got a pretty respectable life), not even because she had any big or horrible problem that most other 16 year old girls don't have. I saw it coming because its deja vu - patterns, converging. Hell, I even spoke to her about it before she left.
So there is a door. A month has come and gone and I still have not been able to walk through that door and clean up her room. I sit in tears even thinking about it. In fact, I cry, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, the shower and in bed. I've been to the doctor, refusing to take drugs that would numb me out, and stuff the hurt deeper. I've been trying to find my sea legs again. I remain awed by how deeply children can wound; how senselessly and how innocently they betray, how righteously they blame. I can't imagine what is going on for her at the moment. Our brief correspondence has been littered with ends, justifying means.
It doesn't mean things won't change, and we won't sort things out. Love is powerful, even more powerful than family patterns and history, or so I'd like to believe. But for today, there is a door and I cannot walk through it.
The Proust Questionnaire
Tiffany introduced it to me, via Jason via Anna. (And Sam begat William and William begat..)
I like these types of exercises, especially when I'm foggy and panicked generally unclear (as this Monday morning finds me). The Proust questionnaire is named for the French writer Marcel Proust, serving as the inspiration for more introspective interviews, an exercise in self exploration and a peak into the true motivations of the people providing the answers.
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Emotional health and physical health, the ability to cover my expenses without any great anxiety, knowing without hesitation that I am loved, supported and valued by the people I love, support and value...and the freedom to create things with my own two hands.
2. What is your greatest fear?
That the things currently causing me grief, will never pass. That this, right now, is all there is to life.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My fear of inadequacy.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Cowardice.
5. Which living person do you most admire?
My aunt Elizabeth. She finds the growth in every challenge. She does amazing things but remains incredibly humble. She can hug you and reduce you to tears just from the love coming from her pores. She sees the best in you and never lets you deny that it is there. She finds joy and beauty in the things many take for granted. She's faced incredible adversity with the courage of a lion and never reduces herself to bitterness. She loves hard, thinks unselfishly, fights for what she believes in and...she's just a wonder.
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Art supplies.
7. What is your current state of mind?
Afraid. Confused. Scattered. Isolated.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity. But only because of the other recognized virtues, it is the one least inclined to impede your ability to be a healthy, happy, productive individual. I know lots of people that ain't "chaste" but live life with fulfillment and purpose.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
When I'm afraid that the truth is going to really hurt someone with no positive consequence, self included.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My stomach.
11. Which living person do you most despise?
Well, there are a lot of people I don't like. The world is chock full of regrettable people. Though I find it more often to be a curse more than a blessing, I can sympathy or empathy for most. The living person I most despise right now might be Rush Limbaugh. He's dangerous and stirs unscrupulous passions for his own amusement. That sort of small minded deviance works on my ability to think kind thoughts.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Integrity. Not just one's ability to speak truthfully, but to do so at the cost of your own comfort and ease. Someone that is willing to be seen for who they are. To stand in their truth and not the shadow of what they want others to believe they are.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Grace. The ability to consider feelings and actions with wisdom and well being and to act gracefully even when it might be difficult to do so.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I can't.
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My dog. I can always count on her to love me, tend to my wounded feelings and remind me that there's a being out here that will always give as much as or more than she takes. My childhood best friend, Jameel. Over thirty years and going strong. He's been the only one to always be there, to protect me on those occasions I couldn't protect myself and to keep all of my truest thoughts, fears and feelings safe and secure. He's probably the only person I've known that closely or long who has never snatched the rug out from under me.
16. When and where were you happiest?
The day I graduated from college and saw absolute blissful joy and delight on my father's face, knowing I had everything to do with it. A time long ago when I thought I was in love with someone just as in love with me. While everything else is in that story is but a work of fiction, that feeling I had was truer than most anything I've ever experienced. And I try to remain grateful for it.
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to read minds.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My tendency toward self-preoccupation.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I think that's yet to be discovered.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
An eagle. (feathers, not helmets)
21. Where would you most like to live?
Sometimes I think New Mexico. Loads of pottery there, lots of ceramic inspiration, still away from the hustle and bustle of life in a city. Places I would spend a year or two? London. Toronto. New Zealand. Portugal.
22. What is your most treasured possession?
My laptop.
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A life with no other passion but material gain or personal recognition.
24. What is your favorite occupation?
Potter. Followed by writer.
25. What is your most marked characteristic?
I honestly don't know. I don't trust that I've ever had a clear lens for how others see/observe me.
26. What do you most value in your friends?
Their sincerity.
27. Who are your favorite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Octavia Butler, Pearl Cleage, Paulo Coehlo, C.S. Lewis, Anchee Min, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Maya Angelou
28. Who is your hero of fiction?
Ellen Ripley from the Alien series.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I don't think I know enough about the inner workings of any historical figure to say who that person would be.
30. Who are your heroes in real life?
The people who are driven each and every day to the commitment of human services, community service and charitable efforts.
suppose that last was a poor note to leave out in the world as a final thought.
http://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/
And before I begin let me qualify my thoughts as I am a Cancerian and emotionally-driven person who cries when she's happy, cries when she's said and many times feels first and thinks second.
Don't make sensitivity a weapon.
I'm all for explaining to people that you may potentially be thin-skinned and making requests to consider your heart before entering into a potentially combustible dialogue. At all times we should take into consideration how our thoughts and expressions of them may make others feel. A defensive maneuver will almost always beget a defensive maneuver. It's the fundamental rule to conflict. You hit me, it hurts. I hit back, you hurt and the dance escalates until two people are saying or doing regrettable things. Rather than using your sensitivity as a license to kill, use it as a means to find more productive ways to speak with love. Rather than letting your sensitivity give you an unrealistic sense of entitlement and petulant expectation, try and commit to the notion that it always takes two parties to create a disagreeable relationship conflict. You are hurt...in some ways big or small, they are likely hurting, too.
Don't make sensitivity a wall to constructive criticism.
There comes a time in every adult's life when you have to suck it up and face tough talk. Especially when the tough talk potentially saves you from a choice, an action or measure that could have long-term or especially painful consequences. While I am sensitive, I expect and almost demand that the people I love, give it to me straight, particularly when I screw something up. Because I am human. I am going to do that. And yes, you can give straight talk without pulling out the clubs and knives. So keep in mind that sometimes when people speak sternly to you, it is more important to identify the value in their statement...especially when you know behind the annoyance that statement is coming from a place of love. It's nice to hear only about the wonderful things we do; but it's better to hear about the ways we can grow and elevate to keep amazing ourselves and others. Never use your 'sensitivity' as a means to avoid owning your stuff.
And you know how I feel about owning your stuff.
— Dorothy Parker
She spent a lot of time
looking fine,
believing in those lies -
if the package
looks pretty enough outside
no one notices what's inside.
A real friend, or a mirror
might dish the real dirt
on the outside she may be porterhouse
but inside, she's rotten meat.
"Love is mental illness going in and mental illness coming out. In between, you do a lot of laundry."
— Steve Lopez
This 'mental illness' is in every kind of loving. We commonly think of 'love madness' occurring, maybe with the great passion of romantic love, but I assure you - madness is in the love found with a lover, a spouse, a parent, a child. This madness of attachment keeps our heads in a whirlwind of perpetual questioning; am I doing it 'right'. is it 'good enough', am I 'good enough'?
Repetitive tasks, like laundry, give us room for the doubts that accompany all forms of love.
Ironically, at the end of love, there is a lot less laundry.
is a project of the Montgomery Museum of Fine Arts--a community project and I LOVE IT. Reminds me
Hey there friends. Yes, it's that time of year again. The time when I post photos of my clay babies and announce I'm selling them on the innurnets.
I try to limit how often I do these updates here, especially since I have a pottery blog that I use neglect for those purposes. But I did want to share my progress with you because I figured you'd like to see them I could use the supplemental income.
I've graduated to lids, casserole dishes and bigger bowls and plates. We're moving on up.
To ooh and ahh, see below. To shop, you can find me here.
Yesterday morning I was shocked to hear that my ex-roomate's mother passed away. It is not long before all of us are returning to Malaysia. He decided not to go back.
Takziah is different from 'tahniah'. We often have the misconception that by saying 'takziah' to someone, it would be enough. Takziah itself is an act of condolence, not a wish. Takziah is what we do to comfort our brothers and sisters, to share grief, and to do whatever it takes to help the one who is at loss. We pray for the best for them.
But it doesn't really matter if we are sincere in our wish. The person knows our intent. God knows our intent.
Unto Him we shall return. It is a reminder to myself of what I would do and feel it it happens to me. And what if, at this minute, my life is taken away. I have done so many bad deeds in this world and I don't know if I can face the afterlife. Pray that we shall all be at peace in this world and in the Hereafter.
Say:"The death from which you flee will truly overtake you; then you will be sent back to the Knower of things secret and open: and He will tell you (the truth of) the things that you did!" (Jumu'ah: 8).
I pray that she will be among those will be among those who are loved by God. Be strong my brother. Verily, to Allah belongs what
He has taken, and to Him belongs what He has given. For everything He has
set a term. Al-fatihah.
