Dear World,

Dear World,

To be perfectly honest I thought this quarter life crisis would be over by now, but I was sadly mistaken. *sigh* My living situation isn't the greatest, it's finally been driven home that I'm really not that great of a friend, and the presence of certain blood relatives makes me physically ill. I'm sure I can lengthen the list of complaints that I have about my life right now, but it's really not worth it. They're minor, little petty irritations compared to the big picture. Now, I know that intellectually, however sometimes I just don't grasp it emotionally. And sometimes I don't care to take the "well it could be worse" perspective.

I know from the core of my soul that a resolution to my current living situation is on the sunrise of a soon to come day. It's just taking a hell of a lot longer than I would like, but I'm working on maintaining my patience. As for my friendships, clearly I need to work a little harder on them. Some definitely come a lot easier than others, but still they all need to be worked. I find that I'm a lot better at friendships than any other type of relationships. It was made clear to me, why things didn't work out with someone I met over the summer. It's not necessarily about tactless moments, as much as it's about instances of mistrust. I apparently over stepped the friendship ethics line and still can't understand how, I'm guessing the social lubricant of alcohol may have contribute to that. However, I take full responsibility for whatever it was I said, that caused that assumption. I wouldn't purposefully say anything to or about someone I care for to hurt their feelings. Clearly though, there are some things one just can't come back from. Which is why I've been evaluating the relationships I have with others. Some can't be repaired and I don't care for them to, while others are getting weak. I need to hunt down addresses and put my large stock of stationary to good use.

Whether the love affair or fling lasted a month or more when your heart is really in it, there's nothing anyone can do that will make heart break any easier to deal with. If you are the one getting dumped in one form or another, it always seems to hurt worse than if you're the one doing the dumping. As of late I've noticed just when I think I've worked through certain things, I'm shown in a massive way that there hasn't been enough time to have passed for me to get over it yet. I'm hoping soon I can move beyond this "stuck" state, because it's literally tearing me up from the inside out....

There is something to be said about a parent who chooses to be honest with their child, instead of spoon feed them bullshit. As of late I've been checking myself, really checking myself. I mean I don't think I'm all that bad of a person, and sometimes I'm not all that great of one either. But recently I've had the urge to know how other people view me, especially since nine times out of ten I don't see in myself what they see in me. So, I've been casually talking to those who know me best and those who've known me for a little while and what not to get their honest opinion about some things. What I discovered is that about half the time I think there's something wrong with me, I'm wrong.

I spoke with one of my exes the other day and asked if she missed me, and if so what did she miss about me. It wasn't that I was trying to start something back up with her, but some time ago she'd posed the same question to me. Back then I still felt a kind of way about her and the whole of the situation and wasn't all that nice in my response. So, I was a bit surprised that she was willing to talk with me and supply an honest answer. She said that sometimes she did miss me, that she like that I was different and caring. What made me see her in a new light was when she told me at the time she didn't know what she had and wasn't ready for me, taking full responsibility for how things ended. Interestingly enough, having this conversation with her made me feel better about myself and also made me want to review other relationships I have and have had.

For some reason my mother doesn't like a particular friend of mind. I asked her a few months ago why and she gave me some bullshit answer, that I immediately tore down and voiced what I really thought was going on. Turns out I was only half right. I asked her last night again, what her issue with my friend was, and finally got the truth. Even though my mother and I are not at all close, in no way, shape, or form does she want me to be hurt. Other dating situations and romantic relationships I've had she thought were a flash in a pan. And long distance posed no real threat of someone "taking me away". However, with someone being in such close proximity and me spending a considerable amount of time with that person, my mother became jealous. Especially when it came to my car. Everyone knows, I don't let anyone drive my car. Absolutely NO one, with the exception of Smack who has the same kind of car. Well I not only let my friend drive my car, I gave her one of my spare keys. Understand that if I didn't trust her, none of this would have ever taken place. And I explained this to my mom. This is literally her issue not mine, to which she agrees. And has said that it'll take time for her to work it out. As whacked as my mom can be, whether silly or not I appreciate her honesty. The less bullshit busting I have to do the better.

No one goes through life wanting to get hurt or be taken advantage of by anyone. And people also don't want to feel as if they're constantly depending upon a crutch to stand on their own. But since the future is unforeseen, because it has yet to happen, absolutely anything is possible. Taking risks to liven up this adventure called life is what makes it interesting. I don't want to sitting on the couch one day going over the "what ifs" or brooding over regrets. Which is why I'm leaving myself open for whatever life has to offer and keeping my eyes peeled for the fakes. There's nothing worse then a bad investment no matter whether it's time or money. The only thing that's certain is that there's always something to learn from these experiences. And I hope I've gathered enough to stop making the same lame mistakes.

I'm so upset I almost don't know what to do with myself. However, two of my closest friends have told me I shouldn't let this minor set back get the best of me. *sigh* Believe it or not, I am doing my best to be optimistic about all that's NOT going on in my life. I'll spare the details cuz it'll just add fuel to this already out of control brooding fire. But let me say this....WTF God! WTF! *shakes head*

Sometimes I can't help but feel like the practical joke of life (like today - I totally got played!). So, now what do I need to do in order to get from this point up to where I feel I should be? Not many of the available options do I like, but something is better than nothing and things could always be worse. So I'll send out resumes and fill out applications until I get a desirable hit.

Please pray for me as I am praying for myself.

As of late, I've been doing my best to keep my word and write something everyday. For the most part I've been pretty persistent. I rewrote an old poem I found that I wrote about someone 3 years ago. It's interesting, when I look over my past works how much of a true diary they really are. Those who have made an impact on my life have managed to work their way into some of my pieces, and I'm not just talking about romantic interests either. Some of my pieces were written from a few of my friends' point of view. Anyway, so I've been pretty dignified in keeping my word to myself. *2 gold stars for me!*

I've been thinking a lot about the direction I'd like my life to go. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm in the same place I was when I graduated from high school, only worse off. Sometimes I wonder if going to college was worth all that crap I delt with, but then I remind myself, that had I not gone when I did, I wouldn't have met some of the most important people of my life. So, all in all it's not completely bad. Truth be told I'd really like to go back to school. Only I'm a bit of a chicken. I've noticed that for things that I really want to do I talk a lot about it before I actually make that move. I suppose it's because I've always lived hand to mouth. So, if one of my dominoes gets knocked over everything else is fubr (fucked up beyond recognision - for those who don't know). And there's nothing I hate more than being put in that possition. But I'm learning that things don't come in the perfect package we dream of, but rather arrive in a way in which we're tested for our readiness for these gifts and blessings. Which, is why I'm going through my things and getting rid of the excess before I finally move out. Whether I succeed or fail, I'm not looking back and I don' t want anything around that will tempt me to do so. I've also committed to dressing the opposite of how I feel. This is only when I'm feeling depressed, because when you look good, you feel good. If I'm already feeling good then I'll dress to express that.

I've started drawing out some of the designs I've kept locked in my mind for several years now. With all this time on my hands, I'll actually be able to assemble a garment. I'm excited but feeling a little stifled in the motivation area. I know what I want to do and have done in various aspects of my life, but I'm not feeling all that motivated. The things that used to get my mojo going and what not just don't cut it anymore. I'm looking into other things, but have yet to find something that works. I haven't lost hope though and no matter how sluggish, I'm still getting shit done. =o)

So much has happened in such a short time....Damn August is over already?! That means summer is in its last days, *sigh* fall is coming and soon winter will be upon us. Life....everyday is another adventure. Lately these adventures have had some tremendous highs and astronomical lows. But I refuse to wallow in depression and set up shop. I'm only 29 years and 3 months. I've got a hell of a lot of living to do, goals to accomplish, and love to share. And I couldn't be any prouder of myself than I am right now. I've officially reached my breaking point. This is a good thing, because now I have absolutely no reason to look back.

Last week my mom and I got into it, thus ending our working relationship. It's all good, less stress in my life. A few days later we really had it out. I took a step back and fully assessed the situation. It occured to me that my mom's been acting funny, since I started having things to do and people to do them with. I'm no longer home as much as I used to be, for her to talk my ear off about nothing to do with me. My guess is that she's either jealous or pissed about the changes going on. I need her less and less everyday, besides it's not as if she's ever been there when I've needed her anyway. If I let her in on what's going on in my life it's only because she just happens to be around, not because I really want to share. Sad, I'm sure, but true.

So, here we are engaged in a battle (if you will) of wills and wits, over something so stupid it's laughable. She's theatening me and doing everything in her power to hurt my feelings and bring me down with what are supposed to be hurtful words. Instead of me doing what I usually do, I asked her if she was proud of herself, of the way she's handling this situation. I asked her why is it when she's feeling low she always turns to me, the easy target, to hurt and trample. And she wonders why she hardly ever meets my friends?.....Go figure.

Currently we're not speaking, but that's alright with me. Less noise to have to contend with. Okay, that was just me being mean. But honestly I don't have anything to say to her. The other night when all this crap happed, I said, " You can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. You keep treating me like crap and you find me gone." All I got from that is a, "Well be gone then." I told her, she should be careful what she wished for because she just might get it. And this is when she told me, "at least I won't die alone and depressed." I shook my head and thought of my best friends and how they've been there for me especially during my darkest moments. They have actually been more like family than my blood realatives. I wish I had a camera to capture the look on my mother's face. Instead of feeling crushed and worthless, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "That won't be me, because I have friends in my life who love and care about me. People who are interested in where my passions lie and my well being."

I've got one life to live and I refuse to live it as anyone's punching bag, emotional or other wise. And since it's been made painfully clear in order for me to move forward I have to change people, places, and things.....that's exactly what I'm going to do. I do not have the time or patience for bullshit, my own or anyone elses. If people (in general and specifically) can't get with that, well excuse me and try not to choke on the dust I leave behind. I'm a woman on a mission and this dream will no longer be deffered.

A few notes from the Universe.....

"As you always have, you're going to find, yet again and forevermore, that the hard and difficult stuff only ever seemed hard and difficult, before you began it. Bet you feel better now, huh? Begin it."

"There will always be people in your life, who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that you're own high standards are all that matter. But then, you knew that."

I really don't know what's wrong with me. Having had so many intense things occur over the past two weeks, I've noticed myself doing things out of character. I've never been one to loose myself in someone else. That is to say, regardless of the situation I usually feel secure enough in myself to freely be myself, and not feel the need to self modify, comfortably fitting someone's supposed idea of what I should be. You either take me as I am, or not at all. However, it occurred to me last night that I've put myself on the curb. Trying to understand where others are coming from and recognize in myself examples of what it is I'm constantly being critiqued on, making necessary alterations. Well, sort of . . . .

When a relationship is developing between people, whether it's personal or professional, it's always important not to cheapen what could be a solid foundation with a Swiss cheese façade. I may know or associate with a lot of people, but I have very few friends for this reason. Which is why I'm baffled with myself, and can't understand how or why I got to the place I'm at now. It's not as if I don't have a lot going for me, because I most definitely do. And I'm greatful that God has bestowed so many gifts and opportunities upon me. But because of the way things happen to be shaping up with a particular friend of mine, I'm unsure of how to iron things out. Or worse yet, if they can be ironed out.

It only takes one tackless moment to fuck up one's whole world. Just one. And it seems I have an endless rap sheet of such moments with this individual. I'm aware that sometimes I hold too tightly to people, places, and things I want to keep in my life, which often leads to subconsciencely sabotaging myself. A serious personality flaw I mistakenly thought I'd conquered and overcome, until a mirror was held to my face. On occation though I feel as if I'm being talked at and not talked to, there is a distinct difference. But then maybe I'm just being hypersensitive about everything when it comes to this individual. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to take a time out and have some serious me time. Collect myself and shed this old skin.

A note from the Universe......

"Pretty much everyone you know, just wants you to love them. Good thing it's free, huh?"

"I want you to feel complete. I want your heart to overflow with joy. I want you to soar, far and wide, to wherever your dreams may lead you. And I want you to be rich, I am."

"There can only be a need for forgiveness, when first there is blame. And there can only be blame, whn first there is misunderstanding."

"I should think one would look fondly back over their shoulder, at all the times in their life when they were overcharged, tricked, or taken advantage of, because for every single one of these transgressions, they'll be paid back like a Rock Star on an international stadium tour, hanging out with the coolest cats, flying on private jets, eating Ho Hos, and being waited on hand and foot by their former transgressors. If that's their thing, you know. And that's in addition to all the other incredibly wonderful things that will be happening to them forever and ever, as they do for all people. See you in the 'VIP'."

A few notes from the Universe.....

"Let's see....It's impossible to fail. Everything works out in your favor. The elements conspire on your behalf. There are always reasons to be happy. Millions of lives are touched by yours. Thousands of people think of you fondly. Hundreds call you their friend. You can have anything you dream of. Things just keep getting better. And you live forever."

"When the external begins to define the  internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a god."

"If you're really honest, you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been!"

"Dreams create their own pathways, if you don't try to force things. Taking action summons miracles, whether you recognize them or not. It's NEVER too late in the day for breakfast."

"Starting something is the best way to finish something. And just doing a teeny, tiny something, today, anything, from wherever you are, is the best way to start something."