Dear World,

Oh my goddess.....

Um . . . okay, a quick update.

I went to the Bahamas, and I came back.
=oD

Okay, no really, I did go to the Bahamas and visited my girlfriend. I had SO MUCH FUN!!!! I didn't do a damn thing touristy. But I got an up close and personal with the people of the island. Wow. I felt honored and as if I'd been sleeping my whole life and someone had just woke me up. Phire, Nell, and Kira enlightened me on how things really are in paradise for those outside the perimeter of heterosexuality. You haven't seen the ghetto, until you've ridden through some of the slums of the Bahamas. As beautiful as that place it, there are some serious problems. Did you know, that the Bahamas is a Christian Nation? Their only cable company dedicates 16 channels to pornography, however vehemently opposes the LOGO channel. I don't know about anyone else but that smells like bullshit to me. But yet, it is still a beautiful country. I don't know if I would live there permanently unless I owned some land where I could feel free to show affection without worrying whether or not someone's going to come over the top of my head with a bat. It's funny how even despite the ugliness that exists in this world it still hold so much beauty and wonder.

So where we stayed there was this perfect beach view (pics to come once I get them developed). It was ungodly humid, but that just meant my hair remained soft and loosely curled. I was serenaded, spoiled, and proposed to.  She gave me emerald (again, pic to come as soon)! I did not want to go . . . . I breathe better with her around. And to think I never thought I'd find myself like this with a woman. Life is interesting like that I guess.

As I was making my purchase of select home made (by RPM) dish ware, it suddenly hit me, there are other ways than my way to come up with the means to satisfy a need or several. I don't have all the tools I need, but I can definitely gain access to them them easily. Sometimes after blowing off a little steam, cooling down and REALLY taking a look at what is available one can see how people make their own way and create opportunity.

I wish that I can be as articulate and solid in my writing as I am in my speach. Guess that's just another thing I'll be working on. In just a few hours will mark 16 days left before I fly out to my kind of Paradice.

All I have to say is THANK YOU RPM!!!!!

As I was purchasing a couple pieces of amazing home made dishes, several realizations hit me like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately I'll have to expound on that later, seeing as I'm about 3 mintues late coming off my break.

I can understand why people commit suicide over financial woes. It seems as if there's this vortex that exists in which unknowing victims get sucked, creating this never ending, vicious cycle. Some of the fortunate ones are able to catapult out, while others just seem to get deeper and deeper into the vortex. Does the madness ever really end?! I know, I should probably talk to someone professionally about how to deal with this mess, but just like these rediculous gas prices, medical bills aren't getting any cheaper. I'm supposed to be seeing an endocrinologist and getting blood work done every month. The thing is the doctor I was seeing no longer takes my insurance and the place I used to go to for blood work is no longer "in network". Each visit to any kind of specialist is $30 a pop, so when you add up the monthly visit to the a speicalist, blood work, not to mention the occational stop in with the primary care doctor, and any meds that are perscibed, the sum per month adds up to just about the cost of my monthly car insurance and sometimes my car payment. On top of that, I have the basic bills that have to be paid such as rent (thank god heat is included), electric, phone, (the real) car insurance, car payment, and let us not forget groceries....for (wo)man can not live on air and water alone. Then there's the miscellenious debt, like money owed to friends and family that helped a sista in need, and the stuff that was charged off or forced closed due to employment hardship. Trust and believe I'm not looking for a hand out. I just want some peace of mind, instead of pieces of my mind all over the place . . . . get my meaning?

Up until I opened my damn mail today, I was breathing easy and feeling like I had accomplished something. For the first time I really felt like I was really getting somewhere. I paid a few bills early, caught up on some stuff, and felt I was finally in a place where I could start putting at least five bucks in my savings account every payday and actually leave it there. Thinking back on the day's events, I should have gone with my first notion to stop at the post office on Monday instead of going by there on my lunch break. But then why put off tomorrow what you can do today? If I could kick my own ass I would. That single piece of mail made me so upset I forgot to eat and as soon as I pulled into my driveway (because I litterally live a couple blocks away from work now) I couldn't stop these uncontrolable sobbs from escaping me. It just got worse once I turned the key to the lock of my apartment and opened the door. I made a b-line straight to the bathroom, closed the door and cried so hard I couldn't stand up straight.

Here's the deal, I called the company that holds my student loans in March to see about getting another year of forbearance.  With all the drama that was popin' off all over the place and my then current situation, there was no possible way I could begin paying on them. I can't remember the representative I spoke with, but after a few minutes of conversing, he said I might be eligible for a hardship deferment. I explained to him that the last time I inquired about that I was told that I did not qualify. Right then he asked me a few questions and after the inquiry stated that I did qualify for the hardship deferment and that for the next few months I'd be place don forbearance, to allow enough time for me to receive the necessary paperwork I had to fill out and return it. Unfortunately for me I didn't get the paperwork until the end of April, early May due to all that was going on with my moving and what not. I filled out the forms, submitted an address change, and expressed mailed the information back. Well, today when I visit my P.O. box, I get this bill which states, not only am I past due on my loan, but they're requesting that I basically make a payment of my car insurance and car payment. Funny thing is I never got anything in the mail about a bill for May, nor did I get any letter stating that my request had been denied. The icing on the cake, however, is their customer service department to speak with a live human being is closed on weekends, which means I can't do a damn thing about this until Monday morning, before I start my week of 12 hour days.

*sigh*

I've come to the realization that working overtime isn't the option it used to be, it's a requirement. Especially, since I no longer get the eight percent differential I used to have. This pay period, I worked just what I was scheduled and found out my estimation a few months ago was dead on. Because I no longer have the differential, when I only work my regular shift, my earnings are just about $200, less than when I had the differential. On average to make up that gap, I have to work about five to seven hours of over time each week, which can really wear on a body. Honestly, if I were doing stock for a grocery store or something, putting in for overtime wouldn't be as mentally draining as my current place of employment. Friday marked the end of my third year with this company and I've had more headaches than I've had in my life. I think part of that might be contributed to my staring at a computer all day, but those neon lights don't help either.

I'm aware things could be worse. Lord knows I don't want to worse off than I already am. I just want to have a permanent happy place that I can visit about 2 days out of each month. Not that I want to think about this, but I almost feel like I'll have to cancel my trip to the Bahamas, which really pisses me off. I really need that trip. I guess I'll have to just put that in god's hands and have faith my prayers will be answered with a yes, before my mental breaks.  (A little melodramatic, but oh so very true.)

With all that is going on and not going on, I'm finding every day I have to fight and I have to fight viciously to keep my face turned towards the sun like sunflowers. But I'm so tired of fighting that I just want to give the hell up. It just seem like no matter what I do to keep a float there's always another weight to be placed around my neck. At this point I don't want to even think about a tomorrow, because that may be that day my mental has had enough and breaks on me. My head hurts so bad right now my teeth hurt. I'm starting to regret going to college. It's quickly becoming the worse mistake of my entire short life.

How did it all get so stinking complicate?

How did I come to be sitting by the phone on a Friday night hoping that when it rang the person on the other end would be who I've been waiting for.

*sigh*

------------

Well, the taxes are done . . . . let's just hope the refund comes before June 15th. =o)

Yes, when all is depressing and fails, change the damn subject. ;o)

Why is it when situations like this arise I'm the one caught out there without a damn umbrella?

Howdy all!

It's been a while, I know, but I haven't exactly had access to a computer. Aside from that, I've been working so much overtime I an  barely remember my real schedule. And to think I quit my 2nd job because of not having enough down time and to properly take care of my health. Yet here I am working like I never quit to beign with. It's like I can't win for trying. *sigh* Well out of all the hell I find myself going through, here are the good things:

1. I HAVE MY OWN PLACE!!! - It's perfect for me and the kits (who have grown so much over the past few months).
2. I'll be getting a love seat next Wednesday. This means I'll have something to sit on in my living room other than an oversized pillow and my ass.
3. I'm not spending so much on gas money.
4. Getting overtime pay allows me to do a tiny bit more.

And that's all I have for now folks. =o)

In a few short weeks I'll be on a plane headed towards what most call paradise.
My sole reason for going has nothing to do with hedonism
But everything to do with the future and what the possibilities exist.

I've fallen in love and I can't get up.

Hence why I've not made the time to babble my life away. I've been so caught up in the rediculous overtime I've been working, trying to recover from the drama of March. *sigh* Long flippin' story that I've, thank the heavens, have moved passed. Some one showed me their true colors and I realized I wasn't into that shade and rolled on. Anyway. I've finally moved, sort of . . . . I mean I have most of my stuff in one place. I've just been soliciting people like crazy to get someone with a truck help me move my chest of drawers and breau. I might have have found someone. =oD And I've been blissfully occupied.....so much so this paycheck I'm getting my passport rushed to head down to the Bahamas.

Yes, yes ya'll . . . . the B-A-H-A-M-A-S!

*sigh*

I'm excited and nervous, but I talked it over with my Mom, and she's like, "Life's too short. GO!"

So I'm going.

Stay tooned to next month when I have something else to say. LOL It's just this whole moving thing, seriously. I've never lived alone before and it'll be just me and the kitties.

Things seem to be coming together ever so slowly, but I appreciate the time to reflect on how far I've come. We have FINALLY made our last trip to the apartment and left the keys. Sorta like that last scene in Friends. It felt so good.

A week from now CK and I will be heading out to NYC on vacation, and my mission is to ENJOY THE TIME OFF!!! And possibly catch a show while I'm at it. I've never been to a Broadway show before. Then the following week, I'll be moving (living and the Lord is willing) into my own place, with just me and the kits. After all the overtime I've been working and the overtime I will be working, I'm hoping I don't burn myself out. My goal is to get it together in a serious way, so I can finally relax and feel free to pick up some paints or charcoals and  go at it. It will be so nice to burn my candles and put up my pictures calling a place of my own home for once.